You Didn't Ask For It

I hear these words a lot lately. Of course not. No one ever asks for pain, sorrow, loss, disappointment, or any of the other suck ass stuff that happens. Guess what? It doesn't matter. Bad things happen to good people all the time. And you either let it drown you or you rise above it. Lately, I'm not quite drowning, but I'm not exactly rising above it either. I'm in pain. A lot of it. Today, I spent the majority of it in bed until it was time to go get the boys. Sadly, I try to schedule my upset moments for when the boys are away or asleep. They've seen me cry, but I don't like to do that. I don't want them to feel the need to shoulder my emotions when they're learning to deal with their own. They need to know its okay to be upset, but they need to understand they don't need to make me feel better or take care of me. No, I'm the mom and I need to show them how to do that for themselves.

But, today just hasn't been a good day. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm just plain tired. I feel drained both emotionally and physically. I'm not even trying to pretend that I'm okay today. I did homework with the boys, gave them a snack, and then turned on the Wii for the older two and Elmo for the youngest. I'm not a perfect parent, they don't exist. So if you want to judge me for needing to take care of myself and letting the boys do whatever, then fine. Blow it out your ass. See, I told you. Today I'm just not up to par and all happy and blah blah blah. But, seriously though, parenting is hard and we all have our off days as we should. We're all entitled to have a "I just don't give a damn" day. The boys are having hot dogs and chips for dinner. So there.

I want to talk about what's eating at me. But really I'm just over it. I'm tired of whining about my problems and crying over my friend's shoulders. I know they're tired of listening because I'm tired of talking about it. What I really want to do is just put my hands...no, wait I can't say that. Because then if something should ever happen, this will only make me a suspect. So I'll just say karma is a bitch and I hope everything that is deserved is given.

UGH!