I Rebuke Thee Donuts!!!

This week has been a major struggle in eating right. I won't even tell you how many donuts I've had this week. The number is not pretty. Although, in my defense, three of those times were not my fault. Seriously. Who am I to say no to a hostess? That would be rude. "Oh no, sorry. I appreciate you getting up early and picking up donuts for our meeting, but I have to decline. Yeah, well see I'm trying to lose weight so I can turn my fat ass into a slightly plump ass and cram it into a two piece bathing suit this summer. So, you see my dilemma right?" Exactly! I couldn't say that. It would have been rude. So I did the only thing I could. I enjoyed one. Okay... I'm lying. I devoured four of them. What?! She had my favorite kind. Glaze twist. Mmmm. And, I can't even tell you how many donut holes I ate. No, seriously. I can't. I ate so many I lost count. All I know is I was talking and the next thing I know they were gone. And, again, in my defense it was not my fault. Have you seen me talking? Especially when I'm excited about something? Okay then you know. I get animated and things start flying out my mouth that I never expected. And in return, things start flying in I never expected. It's a win/win. Sort of.

So yeah, needless to say, I'm losing the war on donuts. But they're so damn good. It's like the Macy Gray song "I Try"

With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
I play it off but im dreamin of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin
I try to say good bye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near


*sigh* Oh donuts, I wish I could quit you.

A Challenge!!!

Because I'm always striving for perfection (stop laughing), I'm going to challenge myself. Well, technically I'm always challenging myself. But this time, I'm going public. Last week or so I found a really old picture of me. So old I don't even remember taking the picture. But here's the kicker: I was wearing a two-piece bathing suit. I know!!! WTF, right?! My body looks nothing like that anymore. No, I won't post the picture. But it inspired me to do it again. Yep. I kind of like what I have going on over here. So, this summer I'm going to rock a two-piece bathing suit. Now don't get stupid thinking I'm about to be thonged out with a triangle cut top. Hell to the naw!!! I'm inspired, not bat shit crazy.

So I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. Oh did I forget to mention I restarted my love affair with Billy Blanks? Well, I'm kind of in a threesome. I have no idea what this woman's name is, but she works my abs and keeps me satisfied. Let's call her Sandy. So Sandy, Billy, and me like working up a hot sweat keeping my body together.

The challenge? Wear a two-piece and take pics and show the pics off. Sounds simple, right? Wrong. Nothing is ever that simple. I have major issues with self image. Yeah, I know I'm hot and all that. But I'm really self-conscious about my stretch marks and skin discoloration. So the real challenge for me is going to be slathering my skin in cocoa butter. LOL. I jest. No, it'll be me overcoming what my body looks like now. I can lose the weight and tighten and tone. And the stretchmarks will fade...hopefully. But the skin discoloration is there so I need to accept it.

So where will I go in this fabulous suit? I have no idea. But I do want to go white water rafting this summer. Not exactly bathing suit wear (kind of ), but it is something on my agenda this summer. Actually, my bestfriend and I are planning a trip to Vegas to celebrate our wonderful 10 years of friendship. And another friend and I are planning to take a trip together too. So I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to work it out. My goal is lose about 30-40 lbs. The divorce reeked havoc on my waistline. I lost a lot of weight initially and then gained and then lost and then gained. So I've been working the past month or so to get it together. So here I go. The fatassness will be no more. Plus, having a reason to drop it will help my motivation.

Let's Get Ready to LLLLLEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRNNNNNNNN!!!!!

:D Spring semester has begun!!! *banana dance* Today, I have my first in classroom class. American Government II with the same professor from last semester. Yep, the same guy who worked my nerve. Yep, the same guy I wrote a big what the fuck ever essay too that he actually liked, lol. I finished his class last semester with a C. This semester I'm going for the gold. I'm super super excited. You know how much I love school!

So this semester things are a little different. Instead of working, I'm in the process of looking for another job. So while I don't have the stress of popping and lacing chips, lol, I do have some pressure of navigating this job market. Also, I now have a crock pot!!!! So, dinner just got a little bit easier. I have a Wednesday night class (government) so I can have dinner with the boys before I leave. Which means one of two things. One, I get to enjoy dinner with the boys which is always a plus. And, two, I'll be prepared for each class because I will have a belly full of warm deliciousness. Usually, I sit in classes starving.

I also have a Saturday morning class, US History II. Now this class, I can not even begin to express my glee. I LOVED my history professor from last semester so I'm taking her again. I cannot wait to take my seat and let her voice wash over me with its words of rich history. Interestingly enough, she has resparked my interest in wanting to minor in history. Not sure what I would do with a degree in history since it's left field from my actual major, but it would be nice to have.

So, I've got the crock pot going with pot roast. Yum! I've got my books in my back pack, ready to go. And I've got a 2 year old behind me pooping who gets mad every time I look in his direction, lol. I have no choice but to face forward or suffer his wrath. I'm so ready for 6:45pm to arrive so I can leave for class. The other two classes I'm taking are History of the Theater 1800 to present day and Intro to Sociology. Apparently, my sociology professor is hot. According to ratemyprofessor.com. Well, apparently, those who rated him must be blind. This guy is NOT hot. He's not ugly. But he's NOT hot. LOL. It really doesn't matter though as its an online class. But still, I just thought I'd point that out.


LOL. So ready to learn. Spring semester 2011!!!!

Bouncing Back

The past week was very rough. Very. I had a mid week meltdown that left me in bed for pretty much 2 days. I was just drained. Emotionally and physically. But, now I'm starting to bounce back. The boys are out of school until Tuesday for the MLK Jr. holiday. If the weather was nicer, we'd be outside. But since its wet and cold, we're staying indoors. Today, we've got a movie marathon going. Then later tonight, it's story time with hot cider and story time. This afternoon we're going to make sock puppets for story time.

School starts for me on Tuesday. I need to finish an online orientation course which I think is stupid. Which means I'm going to simply blow it off until Monday night. The reason? This isn't my first online course. I've already done the whole orientation for online class takers. Yet, my professor is requiring everyone to take it regardless of their prior experience with online courses. Sadly, this is not helping in my opinion of her. One of my biggest pet peeves is being forced to do something I've already done previously that is still recent. Call me crazy, but I'm pretty damn sure the online course setup is the exact same as it was just last month when I finished my last online course. Whatever. Like I said, I know I'll just blow it off until Monday night.

Aside from this, I'm actually excited about school. Surprise, surprise. LOL. I've got the same professors for History and Government again. I chose Prof. Fout for history again because I love her. Her class was AWESOME. And, I chose Dr. Mullins for government because I finally figured out his methods towards the end of the last semester. So now I have a guaranteed A. What? Of course, I'm going to work for it. But, it's always easier going into something if you have a road map. So I plan to use that road map to the best of my ability.

Other than that, that's pretty much it. My oh so exciting life is just mediocre this week.

You Didn't Ask For It

I hear these words a lot lately. Of course not. No one ever asks for pain, sorrow, loss, disappointment, or any of the other suck ass stuff that happens. Guess what? It doesn't matter. Bad things happen to good people all the time. And you either let it drown you or you rise above it. Lately, I'm not quite drowning, but I'm not exactly rising above it either. I'm in pain. A lot of it. Today, I spent the majority of it in bed until it was time to go get the boys. Sadly, I try to schedule my upset moments for when the boys are away or asleep. They've seen me cry, but I don't like to do that. I don't want them to feel the need to shoulder my emotions when they're learning to deal with their own. They need to know its okay to be upset, but they need to understand they don't need to make me feel better or take care of me. No, I'm the mom and I need to show them how to do that for themselves.

But, today just hasn't been a good day. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm just plain tired. I feel drained both emotionally and physically. I'm not even trying to pretend that I'm okay today. I did homework with the boys, gave them a snack, and then turned on the Wii for the older two and Elmo for the youngest. I'm not a perfect parent, they don't exist. So if you want to judge me for needing to take care of myself and letting the boys do whatever, then fine. Blow it out your ass. See, I told you. Today I'm just not up to par and all happy and blah blah blah. But, seriously though, parenting is hard and we all have our off days as we should. We're all entitled to have a "I just don't give a damn" day. The boys are having hot dogs and chips for dinner. So there.

I want to talk about what's eating at me. But really I'm just over it. I'm tired of whining about my problems and crying over my friend's shoulders. I know they're tired of listening because I'm tired of talking about it. What I really want to do is just put my hands...no, wait I can't say that. Because then if something should ever happen, this will only make me a suspect. So I'll just say karma is a bitch and I hope everything that is deserved is given.

UGH!

Today Was a Good Day Minus the Saints Losing

First, the Saints lost to the damn Seahawks! I KNOW! That's some pure bullshit. Bullshit! Really?! The Seahawks! Come on now son, that's just insane. So mad about that. This is for you Saints, you deserve to wear it.




But, I said today was a good day. So despite the Saints losing to the WORST DAMN TEAM, it was still good. Now, I already knew I was on the Dean's List, but now it's official and in print!!!! See the picture below. Yes, I did screen cap it. Yes, I did open it in paint. Yes, I did circle my name and write it over to the side so you can see it. And, yes I am not ashamed for doing something so silly. LOL. I am so proud of myself. Raising three kids alone, working, and going to school is NOT easy. But doing it all and making it onto the Dean's List is golden. The only thing harder is having more than 3 kids. And I know there are mothers out there doing just that. Kudos to those mothers as well.

We did a lot of silly stuff today. Hit the park up twice and then hung out at home playing the Wii. Well, at least until the Saints game came on. And then the boys cleared out to go play in their room. It's not that they don't like watching football, they actually do. They just don't have the patience to sit through an entire game. So they float in and out. I'm not doing this much with them this weekend because next weekend is a four day weekend. And so I know they're going to try to wear me out, I'm going to go on the defense and wear them out too. Not sure of the plans yet, but trust me. They will not survive the weekend and still have energy.

I Now Have Permission to Have Friends with Benefits

LMAO! I just got off the phone with my favorite aunt. Yes, I have a favorite. And I swear she just gave me the sex talk. "Kita, you by yourself now. It's okay to have friends. It's good to have friends. We all need to spread our oats around. But don't you be spreading them oats around too much. You don't want to be no hot girl all hot in the ass." LMAO! My aunt is the greatest, but man she cracks me up. How in the world we got from me never marrying again to my aunt giving me her blessing to have friends with benefits I have no idea?!

Not that I'm ready to have friends with benefits, it's still nice to have my aunt's blessing. You know, cause when I am ready I won't have to call her ask for her permission now. Although, she may call me to remind me that I don't need to turn into a habitual oats spreader. Especially since I don't want to be a hot girl hot in the ass. I swear nobody has a way with words like my aunt.

I think what tickles me the most is she was just so accepting on me never getting married again. Usually, I get "Never? Really?". To which I always reply, yep, never. She just glossed right over that and went straight into the friends with benefits talk. I'm laughing now just thinking about it. She is just so freaking awesome. I *heart* her, lol.

I Feel Like Such a MOM

Ironically, I don't know why I feel that way. I am a mom, so shouldn't I feel like a mom all the time? I'm sitting here watching a marathon of V (yeah...I know. But there was nothing else on TV) and the thought "you are such a mom" just popped into my head. Maybe it's because I spent most of my day patching up holes over the knee that the boys put in their jeans. Or maybe it was watching Elmo for 2 hours. Maybe it was the six bedtime stories. Who knows? But the thought just hit me. I don't even know. It just sounds silly in my head.

Yeah, I am mom. But I'm not the traditional mom. Is there even such a thing as the traditional mom anymore? But really what is a traditional mom. Is that just the bullshit we see on TV where the mother is just so freaking happy all the times that she farts rainbows and spits sunshine? Seriously?! Where the hell do producers get that crap?! Why can't moms just be women? Having a kid doesn't make you instantly happy. Well, okay. It does. But you know what I mean. People shouldn't depend on having kids to make them happy. That's a personal flaw that needs to be addressed by a therapist. Children bring sooooo much happiness and joy. But damn if they don't bring a lot of heartache and tears too. Because watching someone you loved and shaped over the years do something to hurt you hurts. Dang Makita, why you getting so deep? LOL, I don't know I just went all off on a tangent. Don't worry the boys haven't done anything to hurt me. Or make me sad or disappointed. But you know what? I'm realistic. I don't expect my kids to make me proud every single moment of their lives and mines. And you know what? I don't want my kids living to make me happy.

I want my boys to grow up to be independent thinkers who know what they want in life. I want them to understand that though they will disappoint me at times and that we may not see eye to eye on everything, but that will never stop me from loving them. That when they're wrong they're wrong and I will not support wrong decisions, yet I will still love them. And when they are right and others think they are wrong, I will stand by them. Nothing can ever make me stop loving them. Nor will or do I love one of them more than the others. I saw this quote the other day and I framed it then hung it next to a photo of me and the boys.

"How then do you love each of your multiple children , if not the best or even equally? The answer is you love them uniquely." -Marianne E. Neifert

And that is how I love my boys. And yes, I do it feeling like SUCH a mom. LOL