*Untitled*

So this post has no title simply because I couldn't think of one that fully expressed everything I wanted to say. I'm back from my Fall retreat trip with thirteen amazing women. I'm not going to talk much about the trip because I felt like we reached a level of intimacy that is sacred. Yes, intimacy. Get your mind out of the gutter! The definition of intimacy is not just sexual intercourse. It's actually a close familiarity or friendship. And that's what I feel like I found on this trip. It could have been awkward, it could have been a number of things, but it wasn't. It was comfortable. It was warm. It was something special that I could never fully express. To put it simply, it was something you just had to be there to get.

Warning: The next paragraph or so may be a trigger for some. So proceed with caution. 

One thing I will talk about is my depression. My depression over the past few months had been building. To the point where it felt heavy and impossible to carry. You know that feeling you get of uncomfortable fullness when you over indulge yourself on a rich, heavy meal like during Thanksgiving? Or Christmas or Easter? When you've eaten so much, you can't bear to move because you're uncomfortably full. Well, that's how my depression felt. Except, there wasn't the level of satisfaction of having enjoyed a really delicious meal. There was only shame and disgust I felt. Angry at myself for feeling how I felt and shamed of myself for trying to hide it for the sake of others. I felt like a stranger living in my body. I didn't know myself or what had happened to me. Where had I gone?

The only thing I did know for certain was that I wanted to cut Makita out. To bring her back to the forefront. Whoa...cut? Yes. This may be the first time I've publicly acknowledged this and I know many of you will not understand. And that's okay. It's not my job, nor burden to explain it. It took a lot of time for me to understand that. I've been a cutter off and on since I was about 15 years old. Even if I tried to explain the reasoning behind it and what it does for me, I wouldn't know how. Plus, that's not a burden I want to unload on friends. That's something for my therapist to help me with. So, please don't feel pressured to try to help me.

So anyway, my depression built up so much that I wanted to cut myself loose. Boy, did I want that "relief". The good thing is I've spent a lot of time in counseling, both individually and in a group setting, where I've learned what my triggers are. The signs, the gestures, the things that set me off. And, how to see when I'm on the edge. And because of that, I have a plan in place. That plan saves me. It saved me this time. I haven't cut in over 3 years and I'm dedicated to going the distance. Unfortunately, there isn't a chip or token for "sobriety" for cutters, so I usually buy myself something extravagant to reward myself. Last year was a crazy shopping spree at Half Priced Books. This year I'm not sure what I want, but I know I want it. To stay "sober".

So the retreat helped a lot. Don't worry, before the retreat I'd started seeing my therapist twice a week to help me manage. And I'll start back again with her now that I'm home. But something during the retreat simply opened me up. I spent one afternoon in bed alternating between crying and sleeping before finally jumping out of bed and going for a short run to help release it all. I still feel heavy, but no longer uncomfortably full or weighed down. I feel like Makita is finding her way back to the surface on her own and is breaking free instead of being cut out.

Rolling down a hill of leaves. I can see her peeking through, can you?

I feel good. I know I'm going to be okay.