Life is Meant to be Lived

In March of 2010, I tried to kill myself. I know. Relax. You're probably thinking "what?! why?! how could you?! what about your children?!"

Am I right? Yep. I know.

I tried to kill myself and I was successful. But wait a minute Makita, how in the hell were you successful if you're still here talking about it today? I was successful in that I killed off the demons that have clung to me since I was a child. I've always known I was a bit different. The ability to blend in a crowd and stand out in a crowd. The ability to make others feel so at home while also alienating others. The mean girl? The angry one? The one that knew just what scathing remark to make to cut someone down to their very core? Yes, that one. I killed her. Underneath all that anger was a scared little girl who wallowed in depression and confusion. Scared to ask for help, unsure of where to even seek it, and slowly but surely killing herself from the inside out. My meanness was my defense mechanism. I disguised it as strength. Never let them get to close. Never let them see you sweat. Never let them know your tears fall hard and silent when no one is looking. Never let them see you for who you really are.

That poor girl was hurting. She was hurting so much that she finally had had enough of the pain and decided to let go. Her life was in shambles. She felt she was hurting others more than she was helping, especially her own children. How could she take care of her children when she couldn't take care of herself. So one night after being screamed at for being a weak person, she laid down with a bottle of pills and convinced herself she was weak and that those in her life would be better off without her.

Though that wasn't the night she died. She died after that night.

It was through that act of trying to kill myself that I learned how to live by getting rid of that girl and her demons. Though I had been in therapy for years, it wasn't until I had my own "a-ha" moment (as Mama Oprah likes to call them) that I accepted and clearly understood I need to let go of the hurt and start living my life in the moment. I went onto divorce my husband, nurse my oldest through his first bout with a blood disorder, go through financial hardships, deal with my grief, face prison time (no, I didn't go...the charges were dropped), and survive surgery on my spine. When I say I've been through some shit. I mean I've been through some shit. Life has not always been kind to me. When that girl inside me was still alive with her demons, I would have fallen into the deepest depression to cope. Or lashed out at everyone around me to stop them from seeing me weak.

But that girl is dead. She died the night I accepted I wanted more from life. I wanted more from ME. I wanted more for my children. I wanted more for MYSELF. I deserve more.

I know this post came out of left field. I'm actually sitting at the airport in Orlando, ready to board a flight home with my boys. I surprised them with a trip to Universal Orlando. I'm sitting here watching several children and their families get off a flight and they are all with a Make a Wish Foundation. My heart hurts. For those children. For their parents. For everyone whose lives they have touched. And I am reminded that life is meant to be lived. That is what those children are doing. They are living their lives to the fullest while they still have the ability to do so. I adopted that motto for myself not long ago. I want to live life. I want to experience every single moment from the good to the bad. To the heartwarming to the heart wrenching.

Life is meant to be lived. Live it!