Today, My Heart Opened Up and I Cried

Today was such a bad day for me emotionally and physically. I woke up in a lot of pain from the retrolisthesis. What's that? I have a vertebrae in my lower back that is pushed inward instead of aligned with the rest of my spine. What does that mean? It means my hip and lower back take turns agonizing me. And sometimes, like today, they decide to play together. When my arm started tingling I had a panic attack. Which was definitely not good.

I started playing the What If game. Despite the fact that I just saw my orthopedic surgeon two days ago, I managed to work myself into a frenzy. Completely ignoring his "Makita, honey you're doing great! Look at all that new bone growing!" I'm healing very nicely, I can't believe it's been nearly six months since I went under for the surgery. It's crazy how time flies.

Anyway, back to my sucky day. So I was in pain physically and emotionally my heart felt drained. I miss my boys. Yes, I always miss my boys when they are with their father, but this weekend just seems LONG. And I know it's because of Easter and the fact I haven't spent Easter with them since 2010, but still it just kind of all ganged up on me today.

To make matters worse, my stupid bank sent me a new card all because they want to protect me from merchants with shitty security standards. Gee thanks bank. You know what would have been super helpful? If you had told ME ahead of time. Imagine my horror at trying to pay my bills online only to keep having my card declined. It didn't help that when I called my electric company, the representative was a total asshole. Thank you Everything Electricity, I will NOT be renewing with you. Anyway, I called the bank and they told me that they sent me a new card, but my current one should still be useable. Wrong. So I try to use my back up card. Guess what? It's also not working. I called them to find out what's happening because I can SEE MY MONEY in my account but I can't use. Guess what? Trying to get to a live person to speak to was like trying to find Waldo in a SuperBowl crowd. I got frustrated and started pushing buttons hoping one would connect me to a live person.

Wrong.

Somehow, I selected fraud activity and managed to deactivate that card. I lost my shit and just burst into tears. I'm now in physical pain, lonely, hungry, and penniless. I sat in the break room and just bawled. I cried because I was in pain. I cried because I was lonely. I cried because I was hungry. I cried because I was frustrated with the bank and myself for not carrying cash. I cried until I just couldn't cry anymore. And when I could, I cried some more.

The sad thing to me is not one single person stopped and asked me if I was okay. I work in building with at least two to three hundred people. Not one of them stopped.

Except my TSR, who is now my work husband.

He didn't say a single thing, just pulled me into his arms and let me cry. And it wasn't a pretty cry either. No, it was one of those body shaking cries that leaves you ready for a nap. He held me until I couldn't cry anymore, listened to me, and then gave me cash so I could do little things like get gas and food. To say I love this man would be an understatement. It's crazy because when we first started working together, he annoyed me. He's hyper at times. Okay, he's hyper ALL the time. But, he great. And he's a solid person. Most of all, he knows how much I hate asking for help. He knows how "strong" I like to be and not a damsel in distress. He knows my pride sometimes gets in my way. He knows my moods. He knows when to leave me alone and run for the hills. And when to comfort me and not to let me wander off alone.

He knows all that and still manages to me one of my very best friends.

I hate crying at work. Of all the places in the world, work in the last place I ever want to cry. I try to save my crying for my lunch break when I can go home and cry in solitude. Or at the very least my car where I can turn the volume all the way up and pretend I'm invisible.

Today, my heart opened up and I cried. And I had a friend to help me through it.