Disappointment is a Mutha...

A few weeks ago I had a certified Oprah "a-ha" moment and finally decided to answer my life's calling of doing social work. So, I decided to go back to school and get a Bachelor's and eventually a Master's in Social Work. Now while I've been wanting to do this for awhile, I've been holding back and ignoring that call because it involves a lot of personal sacrifices, dedication and focus, and energy. Not to mention time and money, two things I'm already short on. Yet, I decided it'll be worth it and pay off in the long run because I'll be doing something I genuinely love doing it, which is helping people.

Now, I won't lie and say I planned all this out. I didn't. Well, I did but not fully. I decided within 3 days to go back to school, enrolled that same week, and then started making plans for childcare, etc. I made a grave mistake though. Not in my decision, but in assuming I had the financial portion taken care of. Today, I found out that I'm no longer eligible for Pell grants and subsidized loans, only unsubsidized. Which is something, but not the something I want. Since my first associate's degree is in journalism it's basically useless. Some of the items will translate into my degree for social work, but not enough of it. So I'm pretty much starting all over. Which is okay, I've put myself on a 5 year plan. Ideally, I'd like to be finished with my Master's the same year my oldest son graduates from High School. Wouldn't that be dope?! Maybe not for him, but for me yes!!! Back to the point, I don't want to take out more loans for an associate because I only need 2 semesters before I've got it. I'm all for it when I start working on phase 2 (the Bachelor's), but for now no. I was really counting on getting a Pell grant or at least one of the last minute scholarships I applied for. Nothing.

As you can imagine, I was pissed off when I learned this. But, really underneath that anger was the true emotion my old friend disappointment. Disappointment in the system (it's a long story that makes no sense to me and I don't feel like rehashing it) and disappointment in myself for blindly assuming. Now, I do have contingency plans. I'm pretty fucking crafty, I can bake my ass off, and I know how make a dollar out of fifteen cents. So, I'll get through this. I'll figure out within the next few days how I'm going to pay for my books and the rest of the semester. Because I'm resilient. I learned long ago to stop fighting against the wind and to start bending with it. It's not the end of the world, shit happens. Most importantly, the little glass of half full/half empty water is refillable. I got this.

But man was the news a big of slap of disappointment today. And, I'm still a bit disappointed. At some point I might cry about it, but I'll be okay. I'm thankful for my friends who offered to cry for me, sent me virtual hugs, and offered to let their dog piss on somebody's desk. Eh, what are friends for, right?

The good hits just kept coming and coming until they eventually drowned out the stupid suggestions offered to me. Except for one suggestion that I sell my books to pay for school. Sell my books. SELL MY BOOKS?!

            SHOTS FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why would anyone say something that hurtful? WHY?! I just can't even comprehend that concept of selling my books. In fact, I can't even discuss it anymore because the thought alone hurts my heart and makes me pull my Kanye stank face.

So yeah, today (and yesterday) were disappointing, but I'll get through it.

Book Review: The Ruby Iyer Diaries

So this weekend I spent sometime, a couple of hours or so, reading The Ruby Iyer Diaries by Laxmi Hariharan. This novelette is a prequel to The Many Lives of Ruby Iyer, the first book in the young adult dystopian series. Basically, it's a companion piece to the series. Admittedly, it's not my preferred genre though I do tend to read a lot of young adult books. I have two tween boys who are into dystopian young adult novels and being able to read alongside them makes for interesting dinner conversations.

In any case, it was a quick read and I finished within 2 hours or so. I had to stop a couple times because I found myself yelling at the author. Yes, the author. The novelette is based on a diary entries written by Ruby between the ages of ten and sixteen. Ruby is our protagonist who lives in Bombay with her parents, younger brother, and her nanny whose husband is also Ruby's family's driver. The stories are set up to give the reader more insight into Ruby's background to what I can only assume explains her behavior is the later books. I can only assume as I have yet to read The Many Lives. Which I will do because the author sucked me into enough of Ruby's history that I absolutely have to know what happens in her future.

So why was I yelling at the author? I hated the "diary" entries. They weren't diary entries at all. Instead, the entries read as if Ruby was maybe in therapy or talking with a confidant and retelling her childhood. I'm not sure if the author's editor missed this inconsistency OR if it was on purpose for a later novelette where Ruby jumps out and yells "SURPRISE!!!" This one thing just irritated me so much. Ten year old Ruby had very obvious adult feelings and Oprah certified ah-ha moments that were way too much for a ten year old to have. Let alone most adults unless under the care of a licensed counselor. But, let me stop as I don't want to give away spoilers.

That said, the novelette is a very fast paced read that will suck the reader into caring about what happens to this young woman. Jealousy, suspense, "I hate the world today/no one loves me", and a little action are all wrapped up carefully between the pages of this story. You know, all the usual stuff that goes hand in hand with being a teenager. I enjoyed reading it and will continue along with the series despite being a little annoyed with how the author told this story. Not two snaps up worthy, but definitely 3 out of 4 stars worthy.

Ugh...Dating.

Once upon a time I was married, it ended, I embraced being single, and then I began dating. It's the fucking worst. Just worst. It's not that I'm tired of being single. It's that I'd eventually like to have a long lasting relationship with someone. No, this isn't the woe is me I can't find someone to love me post. It's a what the fuck am I putting out there post. They say you attract what you put out. So if you're putting out grade A, prime cut beef then that's what you should be getting back. Right?!

Except, I don't think I'm putting out a "hey I'm just looking for a fuck buddy" vibe. Or a "I'm looking to date someone to have kids with" vibe. Or a "I like weak men" vibe. Yet, that's exactly what I'm attracting. I'm honest. Lawd knows I am honest. I'm upfront. And, I don't mince words.I tell people about my motherhood status, how I'm not open to birthing more children (seriously, it's not even possible anymore for me) but would like to foster children and/or adopt, go to school full time and work full time. How does any of that translate to "I thought you were saying you just want someone to hang out with for no strings attached adult fun." In other words, I thought you were looking for a fuck buddy. Um no. I already have no strings attached adult fun with my friends. Also known as having fun doing adult shit that doesn't involve sex. Or swapping STDs or becoming walking advertisements for Planned Parenthood. I also don't think it translates to "yes, I love children and I want to have like fifty more with you. Yeah, no. That's not how this works. My shop is closed to deliveries. Period. Full stop. Not semi-colon. This isn't open to interpretation. The chapters of having babies has already been written. When I say I'm done I mean it. So tell me what's the point of telling me "well let's see where this goes, maybe you'll change your mind."

Um what?!

Exactly. That's not even a little bit possible. Well, maybe. If I did in vitro and all that, but fuck all that.  I ain't trying to do all that. Nah, I'm good. I've got my children. And there are millions of more children out there who would appreciate my love just as much that I didn't birth. (Please note, I am not against in vitro fertilization, I am against myself giving birth to more children)

And, can we talk about these weak men I keep running into? I swear to goodness if one more man tells me I'm too much and need to understand a man is the head of the household, I might end up on the news.

I just can't! I can't with these fools!!!

Let me break something down real quick for folks. I'm not opposed to letting a man be the head of the household. If a man wants me to follow his lead, he needs to be a damn good leader. Someone who isn't open to communication, compromise, and making sure everyone in his care is well taken care of is not a good leader. You're not a good leader if you're pouting because your partner makes more money than you. You're not a good leader if you're jealous of the other people in your partner's life. You're not even a leader if you don't understand what partnership is. And, you're damn sure not a leader if you can't comprehend that loving me means loving my children. We're a package deal.

And, though I started this off with what the fuck am I putting out there I know exactly what I'm putting out there. I'm a dynamic woman and to describe in me one word is impossible. I know what I want out of life, I know what I want for myself, and I know what I deserve. I don't usually write these kinds of posts, but today I felt compelled to. After chatting with a few friends today after finding out I wasn't on the same page as the guy I was dating (shit, we weren't even reading the same book), I was encouraged to write about it to get it off my chest. Trust, I don't need the "oh girl, you'll find someone" encouragement. I've got enough of it already. I just wanted to say dating sucks. Every time I feel like I've found someone who might be worth my time, they reveal themselves for who they truly are. I'm a strong believer in believing someone when they show you who they really are. And so another day, another person revealed. I'm not in a hurry to jump into a relationship, but I do hate feeling like I've wasted time and invested energy in the wrong people. It is what it is though, experience. I just wish I could get some new experience and not keep running into the same kind of men.

Let me get back to my books.

YAY!!! Great News to Share

So one of the things you may not know about me is how much I love reading. Pfft!! Everyone knows how much I love to read. I love books!!! Seriously, I love books more than I love people. Well, maybe not more than my children...depending on the day. In any case, I have such incredible news to share. I've been offered a book reviewer position. It's not a paid position, but come on you already KNOW I don't need it to be a paid position. Paying me in books is EVERYTHING!!!

When I got the email today I thought I was going to jump out of my skin. When I say I love reading, I fucking LOVE reading. So much that I travel books. (Yes, I know. I still owe y'all a blog post on Book Con 2015). Next year, I'm heading to Chicago for Book Con 2016 and plan to visit at least 3 libraries in other states. This year I've already hit up two branches of the New York Public Library and plan to find one while visiting New Hampshire in October. I visit my own local library and the Half Priced Books near my house so often, I'm a first name basis with everyone.

The gig starts today. I've already downloaded the book. Yes, stop clutching your pearls. The first book I'm reviewing is in e-book format. Normally, I only review ARCs (advanced reader copies) that are still going through edits. These I don't write reviews that will be for public consumption, instead they are for the editor, publisher, and of course the writer. Since I'm now reviewing ARCs and current books recently published, I've decided to get the CPB (currently published books) in e-book format so that my head doesn't explode. And, so I can still have a place to sleep at night. My room is so full of books --my to be read pile is at 48-- that I can't possibly house anymore until I get a new bookshelf or a smaller bed.

Yay, I'm so excited y'all!!! First review coming soon :)

Don't Leave Me This Way

I know, I know. I've not been blogging as much as I should be. Actually, I have been but I've been blogging privately a.k.a. writing in my physical diary. I've got a lot going on in my personal life right now that I'm working through. In addition, I'm preparing to go back to school in 16 days (yes, I'm actually counting the days), mentoring two new people at work, working on getting a new position at work, getting my sons back into a routine (they just came back from their summer break with their dad), and trying to remember to breathe through it all.

When I sit down and actually think about everything I have going on. And, I mean everything. Work, school, parenting, dance, learning the basics of swimming, biking, and easing back into running (though I'm not running right now because of plantar fasciitis), it's incredibly easy for me to get overwhelmed and start shutting down. So, I start backing away and turning inwardly which causes me a lot of sleepless nights. Or nights in which I fall asleep, but I can't stay asleep. This is one of the many ways in which my anxiety manifests itself. Which is when I find really interesting things, get most of my creative deals, or random ass songs (that are absolutely amazing) play over and over in my head. Hence this blog post's title. Because all night long from 3am until 5:17am (when my mind finally shut the fuck up) Thelma Houston's Don't Leave Me This Way played over and over and over. And here is it for your listening pleasure to suck you in...

Because what better way to deal with anxiety than with a thumping ass soundtrack to back it up? Boom, you're welcome.

So yes, in addition to all the other stuff I deal with, I also live with anxiety. It comes in waves, but sometimes those waves come hard and fast and before I can prepare I've been hit with a tsunami. I actually like to name my tsunamis like the weather man does. For me, giving a name to them takes away some of the fear and panic. So the one I'm currently dealing with is Tsunami Galenda. Kudos to you, if you get the name reference. The other night I saw this posted by one of my friends and I thought to myself, goodness someone finally fucking gets it!

Which made me feel really good and helped calmed me down. I love that I have more friends who are starting to get mental health. Or, have always gotten it and are starting to speak up more about it. I'm not sure why the tide starting turning or even when with the media, but it's starting to feel like I'm seeing something almost every day about some kind of mental illness. And, not just the labeling of killers as mentally ill or making fun of Charlie Sheen.  But legitimate awareness of "hey, some people are dealing with this and here's what you can do to try to help instead of being a dick and calling a woman who is upset bipolar or a man who is depressed a pussy." Dare I say in addition to trying to understand there is more sympathy? In any case, I like what I'm seeing for the most part. Especially the chart above (thanks Chera for that).

Eventually, I'll start blogging consistently again. And, yes I'm working through Tsunami Galenda. Battering down the hatches to minimize damage and seeking support from my personal Red Cross team. They won't leave me this way. And neither will I.