Disappointment is a Mutha...

A few weeks ago I had a certified Oprah "a-ha" moment and finally decided to answer my life's calling of doing social work. So, I decided to go back to school and get a Bachelor's and eventually a Master's in Social Work. Now while I've been wanting to do this for awhile, I've been holding back and ignoring that call because it involves a lot of personal sacrifices, dedication and focus, and energy. Not to mention time and money, two things I'm already short on. Yet, I decided it'll be worth it and pay off in the long run because I'll be doing something I genuinely love doing it, which is helping people.

Now, I won't lie and say I planned all this out. I didn't. Well, I did but not fully. I decided within 3 days to go back to school, enrolled that same week, and then started making plans for childcare, etc. I made a grave mistake though. Not in my decision, but in assuming I had the financial portion taken care of. Today, I found out that I'm no longer eligible for Pell grants and subsidized loans, only unsubsidized. Which is something, but not the something I want. Since my first associate's degree is in journalism it's basically useless. Some of the items will translate into my degree for social work, but not enough of it. So I'm pretty much starting all over. Which is okay, I've put myself on a 5 year plan. Ideally, I'd like to be finished with my Master's the same year my oldest son graduates from High School. Wouldn't that be dope?! Maybe not for him, but for me yes!!! Back to the point, I don't want to take out more loans for an associate because I only need 2 semesters before I've got it. I'm all for it when I start working on phase 2 (the Bachelor's), but for now no. I was really counting on getting a Pell grant or at least one of the last minute scholarships I applied for. Nothing.

As you can imagine, I was pissed off when I learned this. But, really underneath that anger was the true emotion my old friend disappointment. Disappointment in the system (it's a long story that makes no sense to me and I don't feel like rehashing it) and disappointment in myself for blindly assuming. Now, I do have contingency plans. I'm pretty fucking crafty, I can bake my ass off, and I know how make a dollar out of fifteen cents. So, I'll get through this. I'll figure out within the next few days how I'm going to pay for my books and the rest of the semester. Because I'm resilient. I learned long ago to stop fighting against the wind and to start bending with it. It's not the end of the world, shit happens. Most importantly, the little glass of half full/half empty water is refillable. I got this.

But man was the news a big of slap of disappointment today. And, I'm still a bit disappointed. At some point I might cry about it, but I'll be okay. I'm thankful for my friends who offered to cry for me, sent me virtual hugs, and offered to let their dog piss on somebody's desk. Eh, what are friends for, right?

The good hits just kept coming and coming until they eventually drowned out the stupid suggestions offered to me. Except for one suggestion that I sell my books to pay for school. Sell my books. SELL MY BOOKS?!

            SHOTS FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why would anyone say something that hurtful? WHY?! I just can't even comprehend that concept of selling my books. In fact, I can't even discuss it anymore because the thought alone hurts my heart and makes me pull my Kanye stank face.

So yeah, today (and yesterday) were disappointing, but I'll get through it.