Ugh...Dating.

Once upon a time I was married, it ended, I embraced being single, and then I began dating. It's the fucking worst. Just worst. It's not that I'm tired of being single. It's that I'd eventually like to have a long lasting relationship with someone. No, this isn't the woe is me I can't find someone to love me post. It's a what the fuck am I putting out there post. They say you attract what you put out. So if you're putting out grade A, prime cut beef then that's what you should be getting back. Right?!

Except, I don't think I'm putting out a "hey I'm just looking for a fuck buddy" vibe. Or a "I'm looking to date someone to have kids with" vibe. Or a "I like weak men" vibe. Yet, that's exactly what I'm attracting. I'm honest. Lawd knows I am honest. I'm upfront. And, I don't mince words.I tell people about my motherhood status, how I'm not open to birthing more children (seriously, it's not even possible anymore for me) but would like to foster children and/or adopt, go to school full time and work full time. How does any of that translate to "I thought you were saying you just want someone to hang out with for no strings attached adult fun." In other words, I thought you were looking for a fuck buddy. Um no. I already have no strings attached adult fun with my friends. Also known as having fun doing adult shit that doesn't involve sex. Or swapping STDs or becoming walking advertisements for Planned Parenthood. I also don't think it translates to "yes, I love children and I want to have like fifty more with you. Yeah, no. That's not how this works. My shop is closed to deliveries. Period. Full stop. Not semi-colon. This isn't open to interpretation. The chapters of having babies has already been written. When I say I'm done I mean it. So tell me what's the point of telling me "well let's see where this goes, maybe you'll change your mind."

Um what?!

Exactly. That's not even a little bit possible. Well, maybe. If I did in vitro and all that, but fuck all that.  I ain't trying to do all that. Nah, I'm good. I've got my children. And there are millions of more children out there who would appreciate my love just as much that I didn't birth. (Please note, I am not against in vitro fertilization, I am against myself giving birth to more children)

And, can we talk about these weak men I keep running into? I swear to goodness if one more man tells me I'm too much and need to understand a man is the head of the household, I might end up on the news.

I just can't! I can't with these fools!!!

Let me break something down real quick for folks. I'm not opposed to letting a man be the head of the household. If a man wants me to follow his lead, he needs to be a damn good leader. Someone who isn't open to communication, compromise, and making sure everyone in his care is well taken care of is not a good leader. You're not a good leader if you're pouting because your partner makes more money than you. You're not a good leader if you're jealous of the other people in your partner's life. You're not even a leader if you don't understand what partnership is. And, you're damn sure not a leader if you can't comprehend that loving me means loving my children. We're a package deal.

And, though I started this off with what the fuck am I putting out there I know exactly what I'm putting out there. I'm a dynamic woman and to describe in me one word is impossible. I know what I want out of life, I know what I want for myself, and I know what I deserve. I don't usually write these kinds of posts, but today I felt compelled to. After chatting with a few friends today after finding out I wasn't on the same page as the guy I was dating (shit, we weren't even reading the same book), I was encouraged to write about it to get it off my chest. Trust, I don't need the "oh girl, you'll find someone" encouragement. I've got enough of it already. I just wanted to say dating sucks. Every time I feel like I've found someone who might be worth my time, they reveal themselves for who they truly are. I'm a strong believer in believing someone when they show you who they really are. And so another day, another person revealed. I'm not in a hurry to jump into a relationship, but I do hate feeling like I've wasted time and invested energy in the wrong people. It is what it is though, experience. I just wish I could get some new experience and not keep running into the same kind of men.

Let me get back to my books.