Maybe because I am? Usually I feel like the hardest working mom in single momhood, but not lately. Usually, I'm so stressed trying to juggle work, family, friends, Makita time, etc. I wish I could say something has changed, but it honestly hasn't. Wait, it has. I know what's changed. I've learned to start living in the moment and just go with the flow.
Don't get me wrong, I still bust my ass. Boys need some project or goodie for school? Better believe my ass is up until midnight or later making sure they have it. A work project still pending? Yep, I'm logging in at night once the boys are settled and putting in another 4 hours at minimum. It's true, I work hard for the life I've created for me and the boys.
But now, I play hard too. I've gotten better at setting boundaries for myself. It's midnight and I still need a dozen more cupcakes? Guess what? Store bought cupcakes won't kill them. 11pm and I still have another account to scrub? Oh well, that customer will survive another day without it.
Life is just too short for me to waste all my time doing things that pull me away from the important stuff. Like simply enjoying my children. When I think about it, I spend at least 40 hours a week at work. This does not include the time 4-5 hours I put in after I get home and the boys are settled. When I think about it, I spend less time than a week with the boys. Weekends not included as I have to alternate the weekends with their dad. Think about it. I drop the boys off at school about 7:30, I don't pick them up from daycare until about 5:30 (on a good day). So truly, I only spend about 3 waking hours with the boys from the time I pick them up until bedtime to have family time. Which includes homework, activities, and dinner. Then I get them up the next morning at 6:30. The hour in the morning (except for my middle who has to get up at 6 because of his awesome turtle skills) is spent getting ready for the day, fixing homework errors, and breakfast. So let's add that up, that's only 24 hours a week, give or take.
I know. I try not to let the time deficient bother me most days. Actually, I try to rectify it most days by surprising the older two at school by having lunch with them and volunteering for events at school. With my younger, we have our special "it's supposed to be a secret, but 5 years old can't keep secrets" donut day. On these days, I go into work a little later so I can spend more time probing the wonders only a 5 year old mind can truly appreciate. And on the weekends they are with me, I do my best to unplug from work completely and not even touch my work laptop. For the most part, I do a great job.
So yeah, I'm slacking I guess. Slacking at the non important and focusing more on the important. That's a feeling I can get used to.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Friday, April 4, 2014
Life is Meant to be Lived
In March of 2010, I tried to kill myself. I know. Relax. You're probably thinking "what?! why?! how could you?! what about your children?!"
Am I right? Yep. I know.
I tried to kill myself and I was successful. But wait a minute Makita, how in the hell were you successful if you're still here talking about it today? I was successful in that I killed off the demons that have clung to me since I was a child. I've always known I was a bit different. The ability to blend in a crowd and stand out in a crowd. The ability to make others feel so at home while also alienating others. The mean girl? The angry one? The one that knew just what scathing remark to make to cut someone down to their very core? Yes, that one. I killed her. Underneath all that anger was a scared little girl who wallowed in depression and confusion. Scared to ask for help, unsure of where to even seek it, and slowly but surely killing herself from the inside out. My meanness was my defense mechanism. I disguised it as strength. Never let them get to close. Never let them see you sweat. Never let them know your tears fall hard and silent when no one is looking. Never let them see you for who you really are.
That poor girl was hurting. She was hurting so much that she finally had had enough of the pain and decided to let go. Her life was in shambles. She felt she was hurting others more than she was helping, especially her own children. How could she take care of her children when she couldn't take care of herself. So one night after being screamed at for being a weak person, she laid down with a bottle of pills and convinced herself she was weak and that those in her life would be better off without her.
Though that wasn't the night she died. She died after that night.
It was through that act of trying to kill myself that I learned how to live by getting rid of that girl and her demons. Though I had been in therapy for years, it wasn't until I had my own "a-ha" moment (as Mama Oprah likes to call them) that I accepted and clearly understood I need to let go of the hurt and start living my life in the moment. I went onto divorce my husband, nurse my oldest through his first bout with a blood disorder, go through financial hardships, deal with my grief, face prison time (no, I didn't go...the charges were dropped), and survive surgery on my spine. When I say I've been through some shit. I mean I've been through some shit. Life has not always been kind to me. When that girl inside me was still alive with her demons, I would have fallen into the deepest depression to cope. Or lashed out at everyone around me to stop them from seeing me weak.
But that girl is dead. She died the night I accepted I wanted more from life. I wanted more from ME. I wanted more for my children. I wanted more for MYSELF. I deserve more.
I know this post came out of left field. I'm actually sitting at the airport in Orlando, ready to board a flight home with my boys. I surprised them with a trip to Universal Orlando. I'm sitting here watching several children and their families get off a flight and they are all with a Make a Wish Foundation. My heart hurts. For those children. For their parents. For everyone whose lives they have touched. And I am reminded that life is meant to be lived. That is what those children are doing. They are living their lives to the fullest while they still have the ability to do so. I adopted that motto for myself not long ago. I want to live life. I want to experience every single moment from the good to the bad. To the heartwarming to the heart wrenching.
Life is meant to be lived. Live it!
Am I right? Yep. I know.
I tried to kill myself and I was successful. But wait a minute Makita, how in the hell were you successful if you're still here talking about it today? I was successful in that I killed off the demons that have clung to me since I was a child. I've always known I was a bit different. The ability to blend in a crowd and stand out in a crowd. The ability to make others feel so at home while also alienating others. The mean girl? The angry one? The one that knew just what scathing remark to make to cut someone down to their very core? Yes, that one. I killed her. Underneath all that anger was a scared little girl who wallowed in depression and confusion. Scared to ask for help, unsure of where to even seek it, and slowly but surely killing herself from the inside out. My meanness was my defense mechanism. I disguised it as strength. Never let them get to close. Never let them see you sweat. Never let them know your tears fall hard and silent when no one is looking. Never let them see you for who you really are.
That poor girl was hurting. She was hurting so much that she finally had had enough of the pain and decided to let go. Her life was in shambles. She felt she was hurting others more than she was helping, especially her own children. How could she take care of her children when she couldn't take care of herself. So one night after being screamed at for being a weak person, she laid down with a bottle of pills and convinced herself she was weak and that those in her life would be better off without her.
Though that wasn't the night she died. She died after that night.
It was through that act of trying to kill myself that I learned how to live by getting rid of that girl and her demons. Though I had been in therapy for years, it wasn't until I had my own "a-ha" moment (as Mama Oprah likes to call them) that I accepted and clearly understood I need to let go of the hurt and start living my life in the moment. I went onto divorce my husband, nurse my oldest through his first bout with a blood disorder, go through financial hardships, deal with my grief, face prison time (no, I didn't go...the charges were dropped), and survive surgery on my spine. When I say I've been through some shit. I mean I've been through some shit. Life has not always been kind to me. When that girl inside me was still alive with her demons, I would have fallen into the deepest depression to cope. Or lashed out at everyone around me to stop them from seeing me weak.
But that girl is dead. She died the night I accepted I wanted more from life. I wanted more from ME. I wanted more for my children. I wanted more for MYSELF. I deserve more.
I know this post came out of left field. I'm actually sitting at the airport in Orlando, ready to board a flight home with my boys. I surprised them with a trip to Universal Orlando. I'm sitting here watching several children and their families get off a flight and they are all with a Make a Wish Foundation. My heart hurts. For those children. For their parents. For everyone whose lives they have touched. And I am reminded that life is meant to be lived. That is what those children are doing. They are living their lives to the fullest while they still have the ability to do so. I adopted that motto for myself not long ago. I want to live life. I want to experience every single moment from the good to the bad. To the heartwarming to the heart wrenching.
Life is meant to be lived. Live it!
Monday, March 10, 2014
Hypoglycemia...It's A Different World Than Where I Come From
So today, I spent the day on the sofa with Dwayne Wayne and Whitley Gilbert. This morning I was hit with a very nasty case of hypoglycemia. I had to fast for more blood work, ironically to determine where I am with my fight against pre-diabetes and the Vitamin D deficiency. After having my blood drawn, I went onto work and stopped in at the cafeteria and got a simple breakfast of some yogurt, eggs, and turkey bacon. I know you're thinking, what the hell Makita turkey bacon?! Yes, unfortunately the bacon at work is borderline disgusting so I generally go with turkey bacon because it's edible and actually tastes like food. Anyway, I didn't really think the whole fasting thing through. I had a super intensive Sunday with 3 hours of dance preceded by an hour walk. So I should have at the very least feasted like a damn king. But, I was so worried about my blood results that I had a light dinner, took my medicine for moderating my blood sugar, and called it a night. Big mistake. I woke up around 2am with a stomach ache but I didn't pay it much mind. I tend to not sleep well when my kids are with their dad anyway, so I chalked it up to anxiety and missing them and went back to sleep. Actually, I watched an episode of Modern Family and then went back to sleep.
So this morning at work, after all was said and done, I started feeling light headed and couldn't focus. My lovely coworker went and grabbed me some orange juice, but it didn't help. The next thing I know, I was sitting under my desk with my head between my legs trying not to hyperventilate. Yep, that freaked everybody out. So I went home. Actually, I was driven home by one of my people who freaked out the entire time and decided to take me to the Minute Clinic. $10 and 30 minutes later, I was told I was hypoglycemic and my iron was very low. Not surprised on the iron. I've always been very anemic thanks to my bitch of a uterus. But that's another story for another day. So armed with more orange juice and a plan to eat a bloody steak, I went home. Ate a delicious roast beef sandwich and promptly conked out. My sleep was terrible though. Apparently, low blood sugar also means whales will sprout legs and chase you through a land that is different shades of purple and the grass will also try to eat you. Crazy. Eventually, I woke up sweat drenched to the sound of my alarm blaring. So thankful I set the damn thing.
I spent the rest of the day munching on brisket and green beans brought over by coworkers and watching A Different World which is now on Hulu. Yes, lawd!!! I love that show. It's the reason why I chose to go to a HBCU instead of a regular college. Anyway, I'm tired so I'm going to wrap this up with I'm definitely feeling better emotionally since the last blog post. Got myself a handy dandy special friend to help me with that. And, I'm on my way to feeling better physically after today's episode.
So this morning at work, after all was said and done, I started feeling light headed and couldn't focus. My lovely coworker went and grabbed me some orange juice, but it didn't help. The next thing I know, I was sitting under my desk with my head between my legs trying not to hyperventilate. Yep, that freaked everybody out. So I went home. Actually, I was driven home by one of my people who freaked out the entire time and decided to take me to the Minute Clinic. $10 and 30 minutes later, I was told I was hypoglycemic and my iron was very low. Not surprised on the iron. I've always been very anemic thanks to my bitch of a uterus. But that's another story for another day. So armed with more orange juice and a plan to eat a bloody steak, I went home. Ate a delicious roast beef sandwich and promptly conked out. My sleep was terrible though. Apparently, low blood sugar also means whales will sprout legs and chase you through a land that is different shades of purple and the grass will also try to eat you. Crazy. Eventually, I woke up sweat drenched to the sound of my alarm blaring. So thankful I set the damn thing.
I spent the rest of the day munching on brisket and green beans brought over by coworkers and watching A Different World which is now on Hulu. Yes, lawd!!! I love that show. It's the reason why I chose to go to a HBCU instead of a regular college. Anyway, I'm tired so I'm going to wrap this up with I'm definitely feeling better emotionally since the last blog post. Got myself a handy dandy special friend to help me with that. And, I'm on my way to feeling better physically after today's episode.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
It Hurts Not Just Emotionally, But Also Physically. And It Royally Sucks
I guess I should have seen this coming. The past few months have been a high. Not a crazy high, but a high nonetheless. But hindsight is always twenty/twenty, right? Today just sucks. The sad thing is the cause is all chemical. I didn't get hurt physically or emotionally. Nope. In fact, these past few months have been the best fucking times of my life. I'm happy. Period. I'm not arguing with my ex husband, stressed over finances, worried about my kids. My life is good. Yet, today I am struggling. I've been on the verge of losing my shit all day. At everyone. From my kids to my coworkers. I feel surrounded by annoying little people and grown up whiny bitches who won't LEAVE ME ALONE! My nerves are so raw, I'm like an open wound whose scab has been picked off several times. I just want to be left alone because it hurts. It hurts to be touched. It hurts to be asked "what's wrong". It hurts to have someone care. I'm emotionally exhausted.
I cannot cope with even friends trying to help me today. The usual after school/homework routine with my kids is just TOO MUCH today. I can't stop kicking myself over locking myself in my room the moment I got home. I went through a drive thru for the boys and then set the table and walked away. More than likely, because I know myself, I won't be leaving my room until it's time for them to go to bed. And even then, I'll wait until they are asleep to kiss them goodnight. Because the littlest thing is going to set me off. And I'm going to lose it because I just want to be left alone. I don't want to talk to my best friend. I don't want to be a good mom. I want to be good to myself and slink off into the darkest part of my closet and fall away from the world.
The worst part is I know all of my feelings today are justified. I can't help having a mental illness, but that doesn't mean I like it.
I cannot cope with even friends trying to help me today. The usual after school/homework routine with my kids is just TOO MUCH today. I can't stop kicking myself over locking myself in my room the moment I got home. I went through a drive thru for the boys and then set the table and walked away. More than likely, because I know myself, I won't be leaving my room until it's time for them to go to bed. And even then, I'll wait until they are asleep to kiss them goodnight. Because the littlest thing is going to set me off. And I'm going to lose it because I just want to be left alone. I don't want to talk to my best friend. I don't want to be a good mom. I want to be good to myself and slink off into the darkest part of my closet and fall away from the world.
The worst part is I know all of my feelings today are justified. I can't help having a mental illness, but that doesn't mean I like it.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Never Be Bullied Into Silence
I ate today like I had no damn common sense or even control. But look, wait a minute! I've got good reason. And by good reason what I really mean is an excuse. Have I ever told you about my firstborn? The one who started it all? The one who made me want to be a better person? The one who made me finally feel complete? Yes, THAT firstborn. My baby made me SO proud today. I got an email from one of his teachers telling me how he stood up to peer pressure and turned in a student who brought a pocket knife to school. YES! My BABY did that! As a reward, I took him to Gattiland which is like Chuck E Cheese for Elementary to Middle School aged kids. Anyway, I lost my damn mind and ate like I had not a lick of common sense.
But enough about that, let me get back to my baby. Y'all, I truly just cannot tell you how proud I am. In this day and age where violence is touching every level of the school systems from Kindergarten to Graduate studies, I cannot help but be thankful for students like my son who help STOP violence before it can even happen. I grew up with the sentiment of "snitches get stitches" and I've had that talk with my boys. I always tell that that no matter what, always do what you feel in your heart to be the right thing. Even if it is unpopular because at the end of the day YOU are the one who has to live with that decision. And to NEVER be afraid to speak up. In fact, in our family room I have this quote framed:
But enough about that, let me get back to my baby. Y'all, I truly just cannot tell you how proud I am. In this day and age where violence is touching every level of the school systems from Kindergarten to Graduate studies, I cannot help but be thankful for students like my son who help STOP violence before it can even happen. I grew up with the sentiment of "snitches get stitches" and I've had that talk with my boys. I always tell that that no matter what, always do what you feel in your heart to be the right thing. Even if it is unpopular because at the end of the day YOU are the one who has to live with that decision. And to NEVER be afraid to speak up. In fact, in our family room I have this quote framed:
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself. -Harvey Fierstein
I am so thankful to have children who actually LISTEN to me and aren't just hearing me. It makes me feel like I am actually doing something right. Parenting is HARD! It ain't all Cosby Show and Malcolm in the Middle. Nope. There are lots of tears, sleepless nights, and heart pounding moments. And that's just on MY end. I truly just cannot tell you how proud I am of my son. I truly am.
 |
| My brave boy |
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/h/harveyfier101058.html#XpVuh7OobJTGhzH9.99Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/h/harveyfier101058.html#XpVuh7OobJTGhzH9.99“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself.”
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