Sure...Whatever...I Guess.

So here I am again trying to make peace with getting rid of my uterus. It's such an explosive topic for me. I've got a surgery date set, I've made plans for the boys, and I'm making arrangements for work. I'm even trying to get over my feelings of feeling _____________, I don't know I can't describe it. So everything is set to happen, things are moving right along and I'm on board with it. I guess.

One thing I'm not okay with are the people telling me it's no big deal and that I'm done having children so what does it matter. Seriously?! Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit! It's my fucking uterus and regardless if I'm done having children or I plan to populate a small island, it's MY uterus! MINE!!! Not yours! YOU don't have to have YOUR uterus taken from you. Keep in mind that this is a general rant and not a rant about you (yes you!) who is reading this). Anyway, yes, it's mine. I've had it for 31 years and while yes for more than half my life it's given me issues, it is STILL mine.

And, I'm not okay with this, but I need to get okay with it because it's happening. At this point (and yes I fully accept I let it get this bad), my uterus is pretty much trying to kill me. Like seriously, holding me at gunpoint and forcing me to choose life. I know! Stupid, little bitch was exactly what I said too. But don't let me hear you calling her a stupid, little bitch because she's MY stupid, little bitch and only I have SLB name calling privileges. Again, anyway... this has to happen. I'm trying to accept this. Accept that I can no longer cancel in the 11th hour. So this is happening.  Unless of course a miracle happens and it's revealed that not only is my personality awesome, but I'm also self regenerating and my body rejects the fuckery that my uterus is putting me through and cures itself.

So yeah... my work husband thinks a party is in order where we serve bloody Marys. I laughed so hard when he said that, I snorted. So disgustingly gross, but hilarious. I don't know. Maybe. Perhaps even a little repass or mini funeral for my uterus. Ooh, I could probably get a death wreath too! But then I wonder if that would be mocking the dead? I don't know. And what kind of eulogy do you give a uterus?

Friends and family, we're gathered here to say goodbye to the one thing in Makita's life dedicated to making her miserable--her uterus. There were good times. There were bad times. There were times where she made Makita cry with joy and times where she made Makita curse her six ways from Sunday. Makita affectionately liked to call her a stupid, little bitch. Boy, was she good at living up to that role and giving her all to earning that name. But, we cannot forget nor downplay the beauty she had a hand in in helping Makita to bring forth children. Such a mixed bag she was. One moment Makita's best friend, the next her worst enemy. So it is with mixed emotions, we gather to say goodbye you stupid, little bitch may you rest in peace so that Makita can.

 Hmm... that wasn't too bad for off the top of my head. I just need to do something to make peace with my beautiful uterus who gave me 3 wonderful children and saying goodbye to her. That isn't too morbid or make people think I'm way too far gone. 

*Untitled*

So this post has no title simply because I couldn't think of one that fully expressed everything I wanted to say. I'm back from my Fall retreat trip with thirteen amazing women. I'm not going to talk much about the trip because I felt like we reached a level of intimacy that is sacred. Yes, intimacy. Get your mind out of the gutter! The definition of intimacy is not just sexual intercourse. It's actually a close familiarity or friendship. And that's what I feel like I found on this trip. It could have been awkward, it could have been a number of things, but it wasn't. It was comfortable. It was warm. It was something special that I could never fully express. To put it simply, it was something you just had to be there to get.

Warning: The next paragraph or so may be a trigger for some. So proceed with caution. 

One thing I will talk about is my depression. My depression over the past few months had been building. To the point where it felt heavy and impossible to carry. You know that feeling you get of uncomfortable fullness when you over indulge yourself on a rich, heavy meal like during Thanksgiving? Or Christmas or Easter? When you've eaten so much, you can't bear to move because you're uncomfortably full. Well, that's how my depression felt. Except, there wasn't the level of satisfaction of having enjoyed a really delicious meal. There was only shame and disgust I felt. Angry at myself for feeling how I felt and shamed of myself for trying to hide it for the sake of others. I felt like a stranger living in my body. I didn't know myself or what had happened to me. Where had I gone?

The only thing I did know for certain was that I wanted to cut Makita out. To bring her back to the forefront. Whoa...cut? Yes. This may be the first time I've publicly acknowledged this and I know many of you will not understand. And that's okay. It's not my job, nor burden to explain it. It took a lot of time for me to understand that. I've been a cutter off and on since I was about 15 years old. Even if I tried to explain the reasoning behind it and what it does for me, I wouldn't know how. Plus, that's not a burden I want to unload on friends. That's something for my therapist to help me with. So, please don't feel pressured to try to help me.

So anyway, my depression built up so much that I wanted to cut myself loose. Boy, did I want that "relief". The good thing is I've spent a lot of time in counseling, both individually and in a group setting, where I've learned what my triggers are. The signs, the gestures, the things that set me off. And, how to see when I'm on the edge. And because of that, I have a plan in place. That plan saves me. It saved me this time. I haven't cut in over 3 years and I'm dedicated to going the distance. Unfortunately, there isn't a chip or token for "sobriety" for cutters, so I usually buy myself something extravagant to reward myself. Last year was a crazy shopping spree at Half Priced Books. This year I'm not sure what I want, but I know I want it. To stay "sober".

So the retreat helped a lot. Don't worry, before the retreat I'd started seeing my therapist twice a week to help me manage. And I'll start back again with her now that I'm home. But something during the retreat simply opened me up. I spent one afternoon in bed alternating between crying and sleeping before finally jumping out of bed and going for a short run to help release it all. I still feel heavy, but no longer uncomfortably full or weighed down. I feel like Makita is finding her way back to the surface on her own and is breaking free instead of being cut out.

Rolling down a hill of leaves. I can see her peeking through, can you?

I feel good. I know I'm going to be okay.

I Feel Like I'm Going to BURST Out of My Skin

This is me today:

And this:

Today is just KICKING ASS!!!! Will Smith's crazy stare ain't fixed to steal my sunshine either!

I'm just feeling great! I got a merit raise today, all my accounts are behaving, my boys are good, AND I leave for vacation tomorrow!! Yes!!! A child free vacation for a WHOLE WEEK! I get a chance to make new connections with old friends and new friends. AND!!!! My boss approved my week off as holiday time off. So I'll still get paid as if I were here. Essentially, I'm using my floating holiday time. Super, super happy!!!

Never mind the fact that I'm so tired I just want to crawl under my desk and nap. But meh, I can survive a few more hours.

So Much To Do, So Little Time

In a few days, I'm leaving for a retreat and I swear the packing is driving me crazy. I'm trying to pack light, but man is that hard! Even knowing that their is a washer and dryer at the house isn't helping. I'm so excited for a real Fall that I want to pack ALL my sweaters and ALL my boots. I've managed to narrow it down and remove a lot of things from my suitcase, but the whole experience just made me think of how there is always something to do and never enough time.

For instance, I still need to clean the bathrooms, kitchens, empty the house of all trash, clean out the fridge, pack the boys up for their dad's house, double check meds, finalize everything at work, make sure my emergency contacts have my info, notify my bank and apartment complex, update my iPod to make sure I have my running mix, travel mix, alone time mix, and happy mood mix, AND I still need to choose the books I want to take with me. (Right now, I'm thinking Oprah's What I KNow for Sure, Clash of Kings, and Son of a Gun, oh and the latest edition of O Magazine. Seriously, it's a lot of work, but I know I'll get it done. And whatever I don't get done...well, it'll be okay.

But all of that got me to thinking of how there is never what seems to be enough time in a day. Time is incredibly important to me. I've spent so much of my life wasting it. And by wasting it I mean not fully using it. I spent so much time being inactive, following a pattern that I was not an active participant in my life. I was alive, but I wasn't living. Time, to me, is the most expensive thing you can spend that can't be refunded. This is one of the main reasons why I dislike being late and people who have no regard for other people's time.

The Struggle is Real...REAL First World Problems!

So today, I remembered that I needed to update my iPod and my phone so I could have the music I've been practicing to on the trip with me. Oh, did I forget to mention I've moved over from Salsa and Bachata dancing over to West Coast Swing and Meringue? Oh well then, let me inform you now. Though I'm primarily doing WCS. Anyway, this reminded me that I hadn't yet downloaded iTunes onto my new computer. Yep, got rid of my 1993 beast of a computer and upgraded to one built this decade.

So I go to download it and once I did, I decided to use the feature that allows you to download all of the music you've purchased before. Now look, I'm real about mine. Yes, I have downloaded some stuff on the low, but I'm also a firm believer in supporting artists you enjoy. I believe in this so much that I've spent the better part of a day downloading over 5000 songs I've purchased over the years. That's just music I purchased! That doesn't include the CDs I've uploaded or the songs I've added to my library. I honestly don't even have the heart to add those songs to my new computer because I'm looking at close to 15,000 songs. Lawd!!!! That's a LOT of music!

Most of the music can be attributed to my ex who liked to fancy himself a DJ in his spare time. Times like this I miss him because he was the one who had the patience to go through my music collection and upload all of my CDs and ill gotten songs and add them to the library. I wonder if he'd do it now if I ask nicely...nah, I'm good.

So here I sit...I'm lying. I actually just took a break from dancing to write this blog post, lol. Anyway, I started this chore during my lunch break today I've barely broken even on the songs I still need to download.

You know what, maybe I should have only downloaded the songs I planned to add to my iPod...le sigh. First world problems