I'm a Coward and Proud of It

Rarely does an article stick in my craw the way this one has. This morning I read this article on whether it is cowardly or courageous to stay in a marriage after infidelity. Thankfully, I read it after I had eaten my breakfast. Had I read it during or before breakfast, I would have lost my appetite. I'm not going to lie, it does take a special kind of person with a lot of personal strength to stay in a marriage after infidelity, I am not one of those kind of people.

To me, there are three types of cheating. Cheating is cheating, but I do classify them differently. And for the story's sake, I'm going to talk about all three from the hetero relationship sense but only because that's my experience.

1. The quickie fuck up- Nobody is perfect. Nobody. And I know a few men who are completely devoted to their wives, but who have fallen and made this mistake. For those of you Sex in the City fans, think back to Steve and Miranda and how he fucked up and had sex with some random chick. Now, call me crazy (especially since it's a fictional show) but I truly believed Steve and felt bad for him (as I have felt bad for my real-life male friends who slipped up). These guys are truly sorry and it truly was a mistake. Not something they sat around plotting and trying to cover up. No, they all went to their wives and spoke up. Not months or years later. Or when they thought they were dying. But, nope immediately. And yeah, part of it was selfish because they wanted to relieve themselves of their guilt. But also in part because they didn't want to keep something like this a secret that would only damage their marriages further. It might be too much to call them courageous because they spoke up, but they damn sure get a 1/2 of a gold star for being honest. Could I personally stay with a man who pulled the quickie fuck up? Honestly, I don't know. I want to say yes, but truthfully there are a lot of factors involved. In situations like this though, I don't believe the "once a cheater, always a cheater" story. So I'll say maybe. For what it's worth, those I know who cheated are still with their wives and from what I can tell, forgiveness has been granted and they are happier couples.

2. The double-dicking dog™- Again, nobody is perfect. Now the double-dicking dog* is NOT the same as the quickie fuck up cheater. No, this is the serial cheater. Yeah, you know the one. These guys are NOT sorry. They're just sorry pieces of crap who will bang anything that moves. These are the guys I suggest every woman should run from. Ironically enough, I've met several of these disgusting bastards in just the past few weeks. One of them was bold enough to tell me "I'm an honest, deceitful man. Yes, I cheat on my wife. And I want to cheat with you." Yes, this mofo was just that bold. I wanted to knock him out so bad and had to exercise great restraint not to do so. The blatant disrespect he was showing his wife and me was outrageous. These kind of men make me sick. Could I personally stay with a man who pulled this shit? Hell to the no! And I honestly think any woman who knowingly puts up with this kind of behavior is a damn fool. The "but I want to keep my family together" line or whatever is bullshit. It's more harmful to children to stay in a marriage that is full of lies and deceit than in a single household that is full of happiness and honesty. I don't know why people think children are stupid. Let me tell you something. They're not. Is it courageous to stay in a marriage like? You say courage, I saw coward. This is the epitome of "once a cheater, always a cheater".


3. The affair- I've said it once, I'll say it again: nobody is perfect. Yes, we all make mistakes, but some mistakes hurt more than anything. This kind of cheater is a master manipulator. These are the ones who lead the double life. Trust me, I know. They have affairs that can go on for weeks, months, even years. You think you've married someone that you know really well and wake up one morning to find that you don't know who the hell you married. These are not the quickie fuck up cheaters nor the double-dicking dog cheaters. No, these cheaters take great care not to be found out. And when their secrets do come to light, they do everything in their power to make YOU feel like you're the one at fault. Like you caused them to cheat. They feign remorse and regret. And, they may very well be sorry... Sorry they got caught. Cause I'll tell you this, these men don't think they'll be caught. Especially, the longer it goes on. They get a secret thrill out of having their cake and eating it too. Cause if they were sorry, they wouldn't be actively doing it. I believe a man can make a mistake and cheat once (see the quickie fuck up). But I do NOT believe a man accidentally falls into an affair. Hell no. That requires plotting and covering up. Especially, when the two start sharing a life together. Affairs are NOT mistakes.

So these my are classification of cheaters. Now the article I mentioned earlier basically said its courageous to stay in a marriage after infidelity. I call bullshit. Now I'm not taking about the quickie fuck up anymore because like I said that's something different. So just put that one on the back burner, because from here on out I'm talking about #2 and #3. Staying in a marriage after these two scenarios is NOT courageous, it's crazy. I'm personally offended by the article (if you hadn't already noticed) because I AM COURAGEOUS. Americans are so caught up in fucking statistics and what others think that we box ourselves into these images of what we think we're supposed to do. Fuck statistics and fuck that. I am part of this so-called fifty percent of marriages that end in divorce. SO?! AND?! What the fuck does that even mean? Is my life somewhat less important or demeaning now? Does this mean I am destined to live a life of unhappiness and raise future hoodlums? Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit!!!

Riddle me this Batman. How can it be courageous to stay in a marriage that is already over? Now, let me back up and acknowledge that there are couples that stay together and go on to be better than ever. Good for them, here's a cookie. But let's keep it real. There are those who do divorce. Not because (as the article suggests) we don't care about the sanctity of marriage or want to force our children into a life of two household. And, definitely not because we are narcissistic freaks who are crushed because our partner couldn't hold to our selfish, crazy demand of monogamy. NO. We divorce because we value ourselves. We value our happiness and the happiness of our children. What is so wrong with wanting to be happy?! Somebody explain to me how staying in a marriage that was already over (oh yes, it was over the moment the other partner decided to break their vow) and start double-dicking or have an affair can be courageous? Do you think those of who divorced didn't fight for our marriage?! That divorce was a simple case of us throwing in the towel and washing our hands of it? No boo, let me break it down for you.

My name is not Kim Khardashian or Britney Spears or whoever else had a quickie marriage. No. My marriage lasted for eight years. Eight years in which I was happy. In which I thought everything was gravy. We had three beautiful kids, and a home full of love. Did we argue? Yeah, sometimes. But never to the point of me thinking something was wrong. Did we work on our marriage? Absolutely. Or at least I did. Because I knew marriage wasn't the big white dress with a fancy party. No, it was constantly a work in progress. So to hear that I "walked away" from my marriage because of infidelity is bullshit. How could I have ended something that was already over? It was over the moment his affair started. Yes, affair. It wasn't a Steve and Miranda issue. No, it was a full blown affair. Do you think I rushed down to the court house? No. I went back and forth for months on the issue of divorce. I am a child of divorce so I know first hand what its like to be shuffled between two households. But it wasn't only my children I had to think about. I had to think about myself first. Because when it comes down to it. How can I be a good mother to my children if I was hurting them by staying in a marriage that was making me physically ill. My babies are not fools. All their lives I have been the most active person in their lives. Catch, basketball, wrestling, running, bike riding, etc. So to see me struggling to get out of bed, not eating, not showering, etc was taxing on them. Do you know how heartbreaking it is to realize your 7 year old knows all of the words to The Scripts' Break Even or Mary J. Blige's Not Gone Cry? Guess what? I know.

It took a lot of courage for me to say "Enough, I'm threw with this shit" and file for divorce. It took a lot of courage for me to say "Okay, I'm going to be a single mom and I can do this". You think its easy being a single mom? Oh really? Well come walk your ass a mile in my shoes and then lets see how easy you think it is then. And I'm not just talking about the aspect of having to physically care for them. Oh no, when you make that decision, you also make the decision to take on the bulk of helping them deal with the transition of living with only one parent while you yourself are trying to come to terms with the decision yourself. Its not easy. Not to mention the financial aspect of it. Going from a lifestyle where you work because you want to to a lifestyle where you work because you now have to is quite a shock. Trying to make a dollar out of fifteen cents is stressful So trust me, this whole its cowardly to walk away is bullshit.

So yeah, if I'm a coward because I made the decision after fighting for months to keep my marriage then whatever. If I'm a coward because I made the decision to walk away from a marriage that was hurting me physically, emotionally, and mentally then I wear the title with honor. If I'm a coward because I made the decision to raise my children in a single household full of love, laughter, and good times then I'm proud of myself. My household is now a statistic. And guess what? This coward doesn't give a fuck.


Oh yeah, this coward is fucking fabulous too!





*side note: I trade marked this phrase. That's right, it's ALL mine! So use it with care because I will sue if I have to, lol.

Happy Birthday Patrick

It's not quite his birthday, but I'm already celebrating. On Oct 22, 2008 at 8:01am, Patrick Anthony Johnson shared himself with the rest of the world. I, of course, had had the honor of having an exclusive relationship with him for about nine months prior to his arrival. And, man I tell you it was a crazy nine month ride. He was the one child who gave me morning sickness, made my boobs feel like watermelons, and put me through that whole "I'm so nauseous I can't eat, but damn I'm starving" period. How this kid didn't come out the womb asking "where's the beef?" is beyond me. I literally craved cows. When we moved back to Texas, I would go outside and stare at the cows that lived in the field across from our home and think about how tasty they were. Ha ha! My Patty whack is turning 3 tomorrow. I can't believe it.

Why? I never imagined myself with 3 kids...let alone 3 boys. But let me keep it real for a moment, I never expected myself to have even ONE child. Yet, here I am with 3. So after I had Cameron and Sean, I just knew I was done. But then...a few years later I just had to have one more. And viola! My Patrick is now here.

I put together this video for him. He is currently in love with this song by David Guetta with Usher called Without You. He loves, loves, LOVES this song. His little head starts bopping and his booty shaking. So I took some of my favorite pictures of him and laid the track over it. Ha ha, look at me sounding all studio like.

Girlfriend, Where You Been?

It's been a long, LONG time. And, while it's not unusual for me to take a hiatus from blogging, it is unusual for me to shut down my blog and take it off the market. Some of you inquired to find out what happened. Some of you didn't. Some didn't even notice. LOL. No worries.

So where did I go? I was busy getting my shit together. A lot has happened. A LOT. I needed to take some time and get my life back on track. Well....I shouldn't say back on track. It's not like my life jumped the tracks and derailed. No, I just need to get myself better organized. And, I couldn't stay focused because I had so much going on. So I cut out the little things I didn't really need to be focusing on. But, it's all good now.

I've since moved to Austin since my last post. Actually, it's Round Rock or "the Rock" as some people call it. I just call it the place I live. The boys have gotten so big. Cameron is almost 9, Sean is 7, and Patrick will be 3 tomorrow. I know! I can't believe it either. So why did I move? My job offered me a better position so I took it. It's been a great move for us. The boys are happy and that's a big factor for me. I'd be lying if I said I loved here...I'm trying to. But I miss my friends. Oh well, that's life.

So basically, I've been living my life.

My Cameron Speaks!

This has been on my mind a lot lately and I've been meaning to blog it, but I've had so much on my lately that it's been getting pushed to the side. In Feb of 2006, Cameron had his first day of school at barely 3 years old. His teacher, Mrs. Jenny took him by the hand, lifted it to wave goodbye to me, and walked him into class. I cried my heart out when I got back to my car. You see, this wasn't his first day at a preschool or daycare or Mother's Day Out program. No, he was actually going into an elementary school. Not because he was a super smart 3 year old or a Doogie Houser type. No, he was going because after months of feelings like something was off with my son, I had him tested. I went for months with people telling me I was just jealous that he only said "da da" or that I shouldn't rush him to speak. No, in my heart I knew something was wrong with my son.

I'd always been worried about Cameron. Since the moment I knew he was in my womb, I've loved him. And I vowed to always protect him no matter what. When he was born early at 32 weeks, only 2lbs 12 oz, I knew he might have a difficult life. And, I accepted it. Thankfully, he wasn't born with any illnesses (except jaundice) or anything major. But, apart of me still worried because I just felt something would come along.

So when Cameron had his first birthday and then second birthday without really talking, I became worried. Friends and family told me not to compare him to other children, which I already wasn't doing. Some even teased me saying I was jealous because he wasn't saying "mama". Which was just bullshit. And, actually pretty shitty to say to a mother. But when Cameron finally did start speaking, his words didn't sound like words. I don't know how to really explain it because it's one of those things you have to hear to understand. His words sounded worse than garbled. You just couldn't understand him. I can't even begin to tell you how much it hurt being unable to figure out what was wrong with him when he screamed because I didn't understand him. How angry it made me when strangers gave me looks when they heard him speak. Remind me to tell you the story of the bitch I threw lettuce at in the grocery store for making him cry. I can't even tell you how many times I had to repeat to people "there is NOTHING wrong with my son". I have simply come to learn that people are very insensitive to those who don't fit the mode of normal.

It has been a battle these last five years with Cameron essentially learning how to form words and express himself. Although I've known it for awhile, Cameron has won the battle. But this Friday, we could be making it official at his last IEP/ARD meeting. When Cameron went into the Early Childhood Special Education program in Virginia, he was 3 years old. But his development cognitive skills was of a 22 month old and his speech skills were below normal. At the time, he could only say 4-5 understandable words. Now, he's 8 years old and has an unlimited vocabulary. He is one of the smartest kids in his class and the 2nd best speller in his class. He has truly come a long way.

Now I take Cameron to school everyday. And, instead of having to settle for a wave goodbye initiated by his teacher; I get a very nice and very loud "GOODBYE MOM!!!!"

My Cameron speaks!

Stop Hating on Valentine's Day

Seriously, you simply sound bitter. Calling it a corporate scam holiday makes you sound even more bitter. I really don't get the point of trying to bring everybody else down with you because you're miserable. Why do you want to stop people from feeling loved or appreciated? Spare me the line of "well you should show people how much you love them every day of the year". In theory, we should celebrate everyone's life every day they are alive. Yet, we don't. We only celebrate it one day a year. And, yet no one has a problem that. The same for the 4th of July, Veteran's Day, and Memorial Day. In theory, shouldn't we celebrate our patriotism every day, thank a soldier every day, and remember the soldiers who died in combat every day? Now, yes I do realize there are people who do everyday, especially concerning our soldiers. Yet, no one ever singles out these days. Or any of the other holidays. Except Christmas and Valentine's Day.

Why? Is it because you don't have someone to love and you're jealous of those who do? Because that's how you sound for the most part. Or did you get with a loser of a mate who measures how much you love them with price tags? And now you're broke because of it? Well, sounds like you need a new partner. Are you upset because you didn't get anything at all? Or haven't received anything since elementary school when Valentine's had to be given to everyone in the class? Whatever you're reason(s), why do you think its okay to try to make others feel bad because they enjoy the holiday?

I'm spending Valentine's alone. I'm not whining or hating or complaining. You know what I will do? I will take a little more time out for myself to let Makita know she is appreciated. There is nothing wrong with spending the day by yourself. Perhaps, that's what a lot of people need to do. Take some time out and focus on themselves. I don't love Valentine's Day. But, I definitely don't hate it. It's been here long before me and won't cease to exist because of haters. So stop hating. And acting like you don't take advantage of the 15th and buy 70%+ off candy and chocolate.