Its Easier to Get Discouraged than Motivated

It seems every Tuesday I spend an hour chatting with my therapist like we're old girlfriends catching up on our lives as if we haven't seen each other in months instead of just last week. The hour or so we spend together is definitely one of the highlights of every week. I know that sounds crazy considering most people see a therapist to help them get over or deal with an issue. Not me! Well, I do have my issues. But most of the time, I'm seeing my therapist because she's someone I can openly dialogue with about everything without fear of rejection. You see, that's my biggest personal problem. Fear of rejection. Yes, I know everyone fears rejection at some point or another. Not getting the job, not getting the girl, not getting the answer you wanted...etc.

The difference for me is my fear of rejection cripples me at time. Which a lot of people find hard to believe because, well, I'm Makita. I'm fearless. I grab life by the horns and ride the hell out of it. I kick ass and take names later. While that's true to a degree, it's not the absolute truth. Tied in with my fear of rejection is my fear of success. What the fuck is fear of success? I know, I ask myself that all the time. It's not like I think I'm going to become some kind of overnight celebrity. Actually, let me back up a moment. I fear putting my creativity out into the world and opening up myself for public debate. Case in point, publishing a book. More specifically, the book I've been writing for the past 5 years that details my divorce and how I got through it, dating as a single mom, parenting male children, and other stuff that happens in my life. I fear my writing--my life--being rejected. Maybe my life isn't as awesome as I think it is. Why would someone want to read about me? I'm nobody...

And on the flip side, I worry about it becoming a huge success. Believe it or not, I'm actually really shy. I'm comfortable speaking up, but I'm uncomfortable having a light shined on me. In January, I ran...okay I wogged that shit (walk/jog combo)...and it was a damn struggle getting through that last mile. A struggle!!! I was crying, ready to give up, saying "fuck this shit" in my head and it was all captured on film. Yep, my vulnerability was captured on film by one of the event photographers. Now don't get me wrong, I'm proud of finishing that race. Absolutely thrilled every time I walk past my medal mirror and see that medal smiling back at me, but that moment of vulnerability? I'm not ashamed of it. But it did cause me to have a mild panic attack when it went viral. I was fortunate to have a wonderful sports writer write an article about me because the photo inspired her. And let's be honest here. It's better to have good press than bad press. Her article was great and it went viral. And it a matter of hours I had an incredibly full inbox from strangers around the country telling me how I've inspired them. I know...what a terrible problem to have Makita, inspiring people. Pfft!!! Yet, I was overwhelmed. The success of having completed a half marathon and inspiring people overwhelmed me.

So, I don't even try most of the time to go after what I want. Instead, I get discouraged and I let my motivation to do something get drowned by fears. I like to think that I have an authenticity in my voice. A uniqueness unlike anyone else. I don't make shit up. Why would I? Actually, how could I in this day and age? That authenticity scares me. But it also makes me want to do something. It makes me want to speak up more and to tell my story(ies). I just can't seem to conquer those damn fears though and just do it.

But, I'm trying. Hence the new Facebook page. Sometimes I'm just bursting with so much energy and so much to say that I can't wait to get to my computer and blog all about it. But, more often than not, by the time I get to my computer I've gone down the path of discouragement and no longer have the energy to do it. So I'm going to try to FB blurbs and random thoughts in an effort to stay motivated. Because I am pretty much ALWAYS on FB. It's worth a shot. My goal is to not silence myself. I have a voice. It's pretty funny. It's also pretty loud. Most importantly, it deserves to be heard.