The Struggle With Being Strong

This has been on my mind for a few weeks now, but I've been too busy to sit down and write it all out.

I hate being strong. There, I've said it. What, why?! Trust and believe, I understand that it's a compliment, a testament to how I inspire others. A single mom of three boys who knows firsthand what it's like to stand in line in the rain waiting for a food pantry to open, exactly how it feels when you have to sell off furniture to make rent, the pain of having to beg someone who repeatedly hurts you for help just to survive, and knows the reality of simply not being enough. Yep, that's me. And did I mention I've done all this why managing my mental health? Yep. Truth is, I don't know how I do it. I just do. So many people call me strong, but I wouldn't call myself that. If anything, I'm survivor. I simply refuse to be a victim. I refuse to give up. I don't know how to just give up. I'm not of the mind to "let go and let God." I see it like this, God made me who I am by equipping me with a strong sense of survival. And that's exactly what I do. Survive. Yes, I know, I know it's strength. But I hate being called "strong".

Why? Because it makes me feel like I'm not allowed to be weak. Like I'm not allowed to have meltdowns and feel overwhelmed. Because believe me, I do. When my body stops being on the same page as my mind, I feel weak. When trying to juggle my busy schedule of  being a single mom plus sole breadwinner collide, I feel overwhelmed. And sometimes I just can't do it all. I'm human! Society has this grand idea that moms are supposed to be able to do everything. But wait a minute, aren't women supposed to be the weaker sex? So when everything doesn't get done, I find myself feeling like shit. But, wait I'm not supposed to feel that way because I'm mom. I'm super human. I'm supposed to be able to do every single damn thing all while wearing a smile.

The truth of the matter is sometimes my children eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with fruit and a glass of milk for dinner instead of a well balanced home cooked meal. Sometimes I just say fuck it and put on a movie for my kids so I can catch a nap instead of taking them to the park for quality family time. Sometimes I wait until we only have condiments and crackers to go grocery shopping instead of making sure my pantry is fully stocked at all times.

Sometimes I cry in the shower. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I cry in my car. Sometimes I just simply acknowledge I am not some superhuman machine and that I am weak.

Now this doesn't take away from my accomplishments or the fact that I truly am making shit happen. No, it doesn't negate any of this. But, I hate that sometimes I fall victim to feeling like I have to do XYZ because this is what strong women do. No, it's not. I am a strong woman. I persevere.I go on. When the going gets tough, I just deal with it in the moment. It's who I am. I struggle with being strong, but I don't know any other way. And, I'm okay with that.